According to legends told by third-wave feminists, the world was once a beautiful place where everyone got along. The only weapons in existence were used solely for hunting and there was no warfare. There was no slavery or abuse, all because matriarchal societies reigned the world over. There’s no hard evidence for this myth of matriarchy, but feminists claim these societies were destroyed around 3000 BC, most likely due to being conquered by patriarchal gangs. Ever since, Western society has been ruled by men in a system known as The Patriarchy.
Feminists claim to be against The Patriarchy, but it’s just a projection. Feminists should actually love The Patriarchy. Here’s why.
1. Infinite maternity leave
Everyday Feminism, which “understands that not only women can become pregnant,” laments that America is the only industrialized country that doesn’t guarantee paid maternity leave for new mothers. America upsets them because:
We expect women to work until the very end of their terms, take the least amount of time off possible, and then return to and maintain busy careers while juggling the stresses of raising an infant.
In other words, America expects women be treated equally to men, which is supposed to be the definition of feminism.
When Donald Trump outlined his plans to provide women with six weeks of maternity leave, feminists were outraged. The reasons were as convoluted as most feminist thought. They were mad that it would be unemployment benefits, not full pay for six weeks (not understanding that, for women whose employers don’t offer paid maternity leave, something is better than nothing). They were also mad that it applied to women rather than men and women, since it reinforces the idea that it’s a woman’s job to care for babies. And of course, “why only six weeks?”
The good news for feminists is that under The Patriarchy, women weren’t expected to work (though they could if they chose to, and many did). Most families could get by on just one income from a job outside the home. The Patriarchy offers even a better plan than Canada, where new mothers can take between 17 weeks and a full year off from their jobs: infinite maternity leave.
2. Socially enforced speech codes for men
Feminists love shutting down free speech. Diversity of opinion is just too much for them to take.
For example, a debate on feminism at the University of Manchester in England sponsored by the school’s Free Speech & Secular Society banned two speakers from the event “From liberation to censorship: Does modern feminism have a problem with free speech?” The banned speakers were lesbian feminist Julie Bindel, who wrote in 2004 that a man who has a sex change is still a man, and gay conservative Milo Yiannopoulos, who has called being trans a “psychiatric disorder.”
Feminists and social justice warriors get triggered so easily that more than half of America’s colleges enforce some type of speech code, according to the Foundation for Individual Rights in Education.
But what if the entire society could have a speech code? Welcome to the world of The Patriarchy, where no one talked about “triggering” topics in polite society. In The Patriarchy, at least until recent decades, women could be assured there’d be no talk of rape trials, abortion policies, or weekend sexual flings in their presence. When men wanted to engage in rough-and-tumble talk, they were kind enough to retreat to a smoking room or private gentlemen’s club, leaving the delicate women unable to hear them. Talk about respect for sensitive women!
Even though feminists claim to be “equal” to men, their outbursts when they can’t handle male language and jokes proves that some are just too delicate to join men in the worlds of work, university and what used to be gentlemen-only clubs.
3. No sexual objectification of women in advertisements
Feminists hate sexy advertisements, claiming they result in low self-esteem and body shaming for overweight women, as well as sexual objectification of women. Although women are supposed to do whatever they want with their bodies, feminists shake their heads in shame when women choose to show some skin, whether it’s in an advertisement or the bikini portion of a beauty pageant.
By bringing back The Patriarchy, feminists can once again be free from seeing barely-clad women. Years ago it would have been scandalous to show a woman in a bikini in an advertisement. From the Middle Ages up through the nineteenth century, women were always fully clothed in advertisements.
An example of a “proud feminist” is London’s new Muslim mayor, Sadiq Khan, who has moved to ban body-shaming advertisements on the London Underground. Khan said in a statement: “As the father of two teenage girls, I am extremely concerned about this kind of advertising which can demean people, particularly women, and make them ashamed of their bodies. It is high time it came to an end.”
Feminists praised the ban, but others claimed that Khan was simply using feminism to push an agenda of Sharia law. It’s hard to tell, since when it comes to sexy ads, feminists, Islamists and The Patriarchy all agree on more Victorian standards.
4. No more “rape culture”
Feminists claim there’s a culture of rape in the West. According to one feminist: “In a rape culture, women perceive a continuum of threatened violence that ranges from sexual remarks to sexual touching to rape itself.” A website about rape culture states: “Rape culture includes jokes, TV, music, advertising, legal jargon, laws, words and imagery, that make violence against women and sexual coercion seem so normal that people believe that rape is inevitable.”
Feminists should want to #BringBackThePatriarchy in order to get rid of this “rape culture” that’s taken over the West. Under The Patriarchy, men will return to the standards of days’ past, when telling lewd jokes in front of women was inconceivable. Highly sexualized television shows and commercials that feminists claim make rape seem normal will disappear. There will be no talk or images of male sexual aggression because there won’t be any public discussion of sex at all. There will be no inappropriate touching since it won’t even be acceptable for men to shake a lady’s hand unless she offers hers first.
There will be no threat of date rape in The Patriarchy, since it will once again be inappropriate for dating couples to be left unchaperoned. Rather than lewd frat parties where drunk college girls are susceptible to rape, young people will interact at dances the entire town takes part in. Respect for women in relations between the sexes will once again take center-stage in society.
5. Smelling salts and fainting spells are perfectly acceptable
Women of the past swooned when they encountered scandalous ideas. Today’s feminists have shouting fits. When Milo Yiannopoulos’ Dangerous Faggot tour went to Rutgers University, some of the feminists were so upset that they smeared blood on their faces in protest. When Yiannopolous, Steven Crowder and Christina Hoff Sommers criticized feminism at an event, a Hampshire College student now nicknamed “Trigglypuff” threw a temper tantrum about “hate speech.” A girl nicknamed “Wailing Banshee” screamed and threw a trash can ahead of a Yiannopolous speech at UCLA.
The Patriarchy understands that some words and ideas are just too triggering for some women. Besides having their own clubs and having certain words, topics and advertisements off-limits in polite company, in The Patriarchy women will be free to remain super-sensitive rather than have to toughen up to take part in the man’s world if they don’t want to. Whether they enjoy staying at home or at their own ladies’ club events, feminists will be able to ensure their part of the world is a safe space free from any scandal. The temper tantrums thrown by feminist SJWs bring ridicule rather than respect to women. But swooning in The Patriarchy will garner simply care and attention.